Proudmom

I have been blogging on here since my brother was murdered.  I'm still having days that range in emotions.  It is truly over whelming.  I just have to take in a deep breath then let it go.  I then say a prayer for myself to be able just to handle whatever it is that I'm feeling at that moment.  Then there are days like yesterday that sends your mind spiraling around all the events of that tragic time in your life.  And honestly, I really didn't know what to do or how I should feel?  I was at the local Wal-Mart when I turned up the aisle and low and behold there is the father and sister of the young man who killed my brother.  I know he noticed me because he turned around as fast as I did and you don't forget the faces of the people who take the stand in a murder trial.  My heart sank.  I turned around and at first thought I don't want to be near them.  But then I thought neither my brother nor our family did any wrong.  And then I thought that they should have to look us in the eyes more often.  It wasn't hate I felt.  I can't really say what it was...I just can't believe a father would let his son or tell his son it is ok to follow the orders of his attorney to lie on the stand under oath.  Perhaps it is this moral compass that led this young man down the road to killing someone.   As I'm writing this I find myself praying for his family instead of mine.  But then I find myself saying I hope they are enjoying their time together because their son's days are numbered .  There has been a sentence passed of 20 years and at some point he will go to prison.  While he awaits on a verdict from the court of appeals on whether or not there are grounds for a re-trial I hope they hold each day precious and close to their hearts.  I consider this a gift they have been given, a gift we were denied by their son.  We didn't even get to say goodbye.  We couldn't even hold my brother's hand because once he died on the operating table he became states evidence.  We didn't get that last hug, chuckle of laughter, or that last precious smile.  I guess part of what I'm feeling is envy/jealousy.  I'm jealous of this boy's sister.  She has more precious time with her brother.  This is time I would like to have with my brother.  Time stolen from my parents, grandparents, sister, my son and 3 neices  that all adored my brother and time that cannot be given back.  I envy this girl because unlike myself she will never have a memory of having to call her mother, a mother fighting traffic to get to her son, to tell her that her baby boy didn't make it; that he is gone.  She'll never hear her mother cry out in agony or a pain like what my mother felt that night.  She'll never remember her father hitting the floor screaming out to God "NO! Not Tyler!"  I remember everything that happened in UAB that night like it was just yesterday.  I remember our 92 yr old grandmother riding in the car with me to UAB praying the whole way.  I remember her pacing the floor praying.  So much praying.  She doesn't know anything about planning a funeral.  I didn't either until my sister and I had to pull it together for our parents who were so distraught they couldn't plan it.  She will not see her son on the toolbox of his uncle's truck crying as he clings to his uncle's baseball glove.  I wouldn't wish any of these memories on her or any other person.  Then I find myself feeling sorrow and pity on this young girl.  What do her peers say?  I wonder how her school life is now?  Are boys afraid to date her because her brother might get upset with them because they broke her heart?  What do you tell people when you're out with family and you have to have your older home by 8 because he is on a curfew and wears a state issued ankle bracelet?

I find myself wondering what if more people blogged about how they felt and what happened in their families immediately after they lost a loved one at the hands of another.  Would it be a good thing to read the details of another's loss together as a  family?  Could it possibly help detour another young man/lady from making a HUGE mistake?  Could it help families show that when you kill someone it is like a ripple effect?  When you kill you don't just kill that person, you kill a part of a family, your actions affect the lives of everyone in that person's life not to mention your own.  Could it show a lost soul how God is able to pull a person, a family through a horrific loss?  Could it give someone like me the ability to help someone suffering from a similar loss?  Can I have the words to speak to someone that will encourage them to hold onto God's word through their loss instead of pushing God out of their lives or blaming God? 

I'm sorry this is so long!!  It's not just a blog for me but almost like my journal of emotions.  I hope my emotions and my memories can help one parent reach a child that has a history of violence or thinks that life has no value.  I think that we should all talk more about the effects of murder.